walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
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