She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
