did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
