If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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