Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
