Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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