"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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