dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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