Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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