Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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