I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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