went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
