You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
