Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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