I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
