shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
