What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
