I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
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