I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
