I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
