That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
