Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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