You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Randomize
