Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Randomize
