I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
