I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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