she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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