You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
