Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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