So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
