I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
