If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
