mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
