Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Randomize
