I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
