Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
