Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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