Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
