wanna go halves on a baby?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
