I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
