Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i used baking grease as lip gloss
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
