My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
