nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
