We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
