when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
