There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
