Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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