just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Randomize