She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
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My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
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For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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