this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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