How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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