Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
