You smell like a Billy Joel song
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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