Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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