I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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