I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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